I'm feeling this slightly scared feeling. It's like this feeling that I'm losing everything.
There are so many things that I care for.
For the first time, I feel threatened--threatened
that every one of those things will be taken from me.
Like for example: my grandpa, my brother, my sister...
my baby brother too. ... graduating... my ability to be
free... my ability to excel, all the while I feel like I'm
having people push guns against my temples telling me
that they'll take even more away from me.. I carry on like it's not so bad/I don't care...
Because I feel like that's as good as it gets. I've seen my own "evil" start coming through--
my own civil and goodness clutched and I "cheated"... I got desperate... scared...
and I did things to "get ahead"...
but not really just to "get ahead"... but just to get by
without collapsing. My life is always so much more stressful with my mom in it.
I'm constantly being judged and disliked.
I am constantly being the object of problem.
My existence becomes issue... I'm not allowed to really live.
I'm a robot. Being controlled, asked to do exactly as exactly asked
at all times... and not allowed to have the normal desires and
inclinations of a human being.
I do something that is not what they asked,
it's a problem. I am then a problem child. Is it my fault? How much of my fault?
Can I fix it? Should I be ashamed? Should I feel bad?
Should I feel guilty? My truths 1. Grandpa: I love him with all my heart but fear that he will not understand, that he will not accept me... or that he is not willing to listen. I fear that he will be taken away from me. ... how do I reach him? Is it my fault? No, it is not my fault that I cannot speak to him. I was secluded from my family. My mom allowed me to speak to them, but I would have to lie to them. But I didn't want to lie to them. So I didn't speak to any of them. So no. I did what I thought was best. I didn't want to lie to them. I tried to "honor my mom" ... and that meant taking away the communication between my family. They should understand. They shouldn't be upset.
How much of my fault? The only thing that really is my fault is not calling, but I had my reasons. And it definitely wasn't because I didn't want to speak to them.
Can I fix it? I'm sure there has to be something I can do. I want to talk to him. I want to be a part of his life. I want a relationship with him outside of my relationship with my parents.
Should I be ashamed? No. There's a reason why all this stuff happened. My mom should feel ashamed.
Should I feel bad? No, don't feel bad. You'll find a way to come back to him.
Should I feel guilty? No, don't feel this way. Many people don't understand.
How can I fix this? Lie low. Gather facts. Figure out when the right time is to get him. 2. Daddy: I loved my dad, but he's not on my side. He will never really know. He is also insecure too. He doesn't understand. I will lose him too. If I haven't already. Is it my fault? It is partially my fault.
How much of my fault? The part that is my fault is missing so much school. But he really shouldn't disown me for not going to school... and I already returned to school and he's still not talking to me though. So that's pretty messed up. Parents should love their kids... you know...
Can I fix it? Probably not.
Should I be ashamed? No. I'm trying the best I can.
Should I feel bad? No. I've come to see them, I've bought them presents... They should know I love them.
Should I feel guilty? A little bit... about the school thing, but like I said: I'm trying my best and they're not trying to help me. So then, No. I don't need to live my life to please them. Really. I don't see them trying to help me or please me either. 3. Mom: I always wanted to love my mom Is it my fault? No. It's not my fault that all this happened with my mom and me.
How much of my fault? Maybe for not being able to be a complete robot and doing everything exactly as she wants... which would require me to drop down everything logical of myself... my needs, wants, demands... just for her.
Can I fix it? No. And I don't want to.
Should I be ashamed? No, she should be ashamed for the kind of person she is and all that she's done to me.
Should I feel bad? No. I've been doing the best I can.
Should I feel guilty? No. I've already lived too long feeling guilty. It's time to start living free. 4. Brother: I love my brother with all my heart. He knows it. He loves me too. We will be together again someday<3
Is it my fault? Definitely not. I've tried so hard for my brother.
How much of my fault? none. and he knows I love him.
Can I fix it? Yes. In time. It will take time. Even I need time. He can wait.
Should I be ashamed? No.
Should I feel bad? No.
Should I feel guilty? No.
5. Sister: I love my sister too. She's a little young now. I will create a relationship with her too.
Is it my fault? No.
How much of my fault? None.
Can I fix it? Yes, but it will take time.
Should I be ashamed?
Should I feel bad?
Should I feel guilty?
6. Other Brother:
7. Graduation:
8. College:
9. NHS Membership: This is an important club to me. I should not lose my membership here.
Is it my fault? Yes, but under my circumstances, it really shouldn't play that much of a role.
How much of my fault? A big portion, but it wasn't directly brought toward NHS.
Can I fix it? Maybe. I should try.
Should I be ashamed? No.
Should I feel bad? You did all that you could and should. So no.
Should I feel guilty? No. It's my life man.
10. Stability: (Money and Living)
Is it my fault? Not really - because even though I'm told I had a choice, I really didn't have one.
How much of my fault? A small portion
Can I fix it? Maybe. I should try.
Should I be ashamed? No.
Should I feel bad? You did all that you could and should. So no.
Should I feel guilty? No. It's my life man.
11. Decent/Good Grades:
12. Annual family trips:
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